Monday, February 11, 2013

The Grammys: A Running Diary

6:40pm – Well, I’ve tuned into E! TV to watch a little Red Carpet action. This was a mistake, going back to basketball immediately.

7:00 –IT’S ON!!

7:03 – I imagine whoever designed the visual theme for Taylor Swift’s opening was high on weed, crack, and acid all at the same time. What is this, a magician hallucination show? Is anyone other than me seeing that Rabbit and thinking of Donnie Darko?

7:05 - It’s 2013 and LL Cool J is hosting the Grammys? This is where we’ve arrived today? He just called Swift “T Swizzle.”

7:08 – LL gave his Grammys to his “Grammy,” a great joke because NO ONE HAS EVER CONNECTED THE WORDPLAY POTENTIAL OF GRAMMYS WITH GRANDMOTHERS BEFORE!!!

7:13 - Commercial break ramblings. They just gave a preview of the show/performances. Justin Timberlake should make up for the fact that I cringed at everything I saw. Can we all agree that he’s been gone too long? His absence has been a terrible loss for music.

7:15 – Taylor Swift has also taken over the commercials? The odds of me smashing my skull in with a hammer just increased 200%

7:20 – Best Pop Solo performance? I’m pulling for Carly Rae, mostly because of my dislike for the other nominees. However, predictably, Adle wins.

7:21 – I’m convinced Adele has Greg Oden disease. 24 years old? Really? How about 34?

7:25 – Wow, not afraid to say it, Fun just put on a very good performance. I wish that’s what their recorded music actually sounded like. The rain that actually came down and fell on them was a nice touch.

7:32 – Here’s a fun game. Accurately predict how many women in the crowd John Mayer has slept with. Additionally, thank God Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley are performing right now. I was in desperate need of a bathroom break.

7:39 – Is this the Grammys or the LL Cool J appreciation show?

7:42 – The conversation when voting on best Country Solo Performance: Guy1: “Whoa, Carrie Underwood is a nominee? She’s in.” Guy2: “What about Eric Church?” Guy1: “Carrie has boobs, man.” Guy2: “Boobs?” Guy1: “Yeah.” Guy2: “Sorry Eric Church.“

7:43 – To clarify that last comment, I’d heard from multiple people that Eric Church was a lock for that Grammy.

7:48 – Have you ever wondered where the ads that got rejected from the Super Bowl went? Watch the Grammys.

7:50 - You’re pushing it LL. First, stop reading the most obvious tweets, you’re empowering the idiots. Second, how dare you shout out the East Coast storm and not the Midwest. We just got dumped on too a-hole.

7:51 – Ahhh, Tim McGraw, the man responsible for the death of country music. F**k you and your motherf*****g plastic cowboy hat.

7:52 – Whoa, The Song of the Year award already? I’d be mad about We Are Young winning this because it’s awful, but all of the other nominees were just as terrible.  Fun is being played off the stage during their acceptance speech. Excellent.

7:59 – Whoa, performance/highlight of the night thus far by Mumford and Sons. Have fun trying to beat that, everyone else. Mumford proves that you don’t always have to go big and extravagant. Just be good, be passionate, and care about what you’re doing. Excellent excellent performance by them.

8:04 – Wow, Ellen DeGeneres just made Beyoncé look foolish while they were introducing Justin Timberlake. I LOVED that.

8:11 - Sorry Mumford. You just got outplayed. Justin Timberlake took the stage and just blew everyone away.

8:12 – What the hell constitutes an Urban Contemporary Album? Doesn’t matter, if channel ORANGE doesn’t win, it’s a farce.

8:13 – And Frank Ocean wins. I heard someone on the radio call his album a “hipster” album? Seriously? channel ORANGE is the best album I’ve heard since Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Speaking of, where is Kanye? Why haven’t I seen him yet?

8:21 – Best Rock Performance. I don’t think The Black Keys can lose this one. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, I was correct. Why was Mumford and Sons a nominee in this category? I would not classify their music as “rock.”

8:25 – I have never seen Alicia Keyes without a piano. Not only is she without one now, but she’s playing the drums. She’s also displayed what I consider to be the first wardrobe violation of the evening. The bottom of her breasts are clearly visible.

8:28 – Best Pop Vocal Album? What does that even mean? Looks like Fun is the favorite here. But alas, the Recording Academy shocks us and votes for Kelly Clarkson. I didn’t even know she had released an album this year up until eight days ago.

8:30 – Kelly Clarkson is drunk.

8:36 – Which Rihanna are we getting tonight for this performance? Out of control partying Rihanna or mega-talented musician Rihanna?

8:38 – Mega-talented musician Rihanna.

8:41 – Jay-Z and Kanye West proving yet again they are the best in music, period. Church in the Wild is probably the worst song on their album and they STILL won Best Rap Collaboration. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE KANYE IS!!!!!!?????

8:45 – I’d like to take this moment to point out that Twitter is making LL Cool J  increasingly stupid. Now he’s saying “hashtag” in front of everything. How many IQ points do you think he’s lost during the course of the night?

8:49 – I’m excited for this performance. Let’s see how the Black Keys sound live.

8:52 – The brass ensemble that the Black Keys incorporated into their performance absolutely ruined it; muddled their sound horribly. That was bad.

8:53 – Uh oh, drunk Kelly is back, and she’s singing.

8:56 – She recovered quite nicely, knocked that song out of the park. AND she gets to present for Best Country Album. Zac Brown Band won. Yawn.

8:59 – Yeah, good choice Grammy Academy, when I think “Tribute to Bob Marley” I think Bruno Mars and Sting.

9:05 – Don’t expect me to comment on this Bob Marley tribute. I was never into his music. This is going to bore me. Another bathroom break.

9:10 – Random shots of the crowd dancing. My favorites thus far: Jay-Z holding a glass of what I presume to be hard liquor. Taylor Swift because she’s an awful dancer. Adele because she looks completely unimpressed. Chris Brown because they’ve cut to him almost every time they’ve showed Rihanna, like we’re in an alternate reality where he didn’t beat the shit out of her.

9:12 – Let’s remember we just honored a musician who is well-known for using/promoting the use of illegal drugs.

9:15 – Another commercial break. As we near the finish, my opinion thus far has that it’s been a very solid show. Even though there have certainly been performances featuring music I don’t care for, none them have been really really bad. The program has run along at a nice clip. The only glaring negative is LL Cool J. His hosting abilities are less than desirable.

9:18 – As the Lumineers perform on stage at the Grammys, I have a burning question. What will the hipsters turn to now that indie music has become popular?

9:21 – I IMPLORE you to listen to some of Jack White’s music, be it his solo album or work as a member of The White Stripes. He creates some fairly unique music. Happy for him that he is performing at the Grammys.

9:26 – What an awesome performance by Jack White. My new highlight of the night. Now Katy Perry is presenting the Best New Artist Award.

9:27 - Fun robs Frank Ocean for Best New Artist. I can’t say I’m shocked by that outcome, however much I disagree with it. Frank Ocean deserved that award.

9:37 – Coachella brought us hologram 2pac. The Grammys bring us a Carrie Underwood laser-dress. Coachella 1, Grammys 0.

9:39 – Here comes Record of the Year. Presented by Prince! I think Lonely Boy ought to win and We Are Young will win.

9:41 - To say stunning is an understatement. Somebody That I Used To Know wins? I’m not saying it wasn’t a great song, but when compared with that field…not in their class.

9:44 – That last award really left me at a loss for who will win album of the year. Odds were that Fun would win 3 of 4 major awards. They’ve only won once so far. I can’t say that anyone has an upper hand at this point.

9:50 – Anytime Ryan Seacrest is shown on TV, everyone loses.

9:52 – The president of the Recording Academy called Justin Timberlake his friend. I bet he wasn’t invited to JT’s wedding.

9:58 – The beauty of Elton John is that he can perform at every Grammy Awards show. With his voice and piano skill, he can accompany most songs.

10:10 – Interesting, they’ve brought out the winner for Best Latin Pop Album who’s chosen to sing a quick rendition of Elton John’s “This is Your Song.”

10:11 – Yikes, Frank Ocean, I’m ecstatic that you’re performing tonight, but you could not have picked a worse song off of your album. Honestly, it’s the worst one on it.

10:13 – I feel awful for Frank right now. He didn’t have to sing Thinkin Bout You and Crack Rock probably would not have been Grammy-appropriate, but why not Pink Matter? It is so much better while retaining a soft non big band style. Such a mistake, a huge huge mistake.

10:16 – And now Adele presents Album of the Year. Wow! Another upset. Babel by Mumford and Sons wins. I’m not even angered by this, I’m just happy that Fun did not win.

10:23 – While we’re on this commercial break, let’s just reflect upon the fact that Drake’s Take Care won Best Rap Album. If he had lost that he would have been the victim of the two greatest Grammy robberies ever (lost Best New Artist in 2011).

10:24 – LL Cool J is the rap performer tonight instead of Kendrick Lamar. Let that sink in.

10:29 – And it’s over. My final thoughts:


1.)    LL Cool J is a terrible host. This is a problem that needs to be rectified immediately. His jokes are not funny, he does not promote social media well, and is not humble enough to put the show before himself. He was the most glaring blemish on the show by far.
2.)     Even though there was a fair amount that didn't feature music/musicians I don't care for, I would say that all of the performances were solid tonight, with no major SNAFU's.

3.)    Mumford and Sons were excellent, Justin Timberlake was better, Jack White was the best. Three great performances tonight and the highlights of the show.

4.)    Speaking of Mumford, I’m happy they won album of the year over Fun., even if it was at the expense of Frank Ocean. I love watching Mumford perform live, they have so much passion and you can easily see how much they love creating music.

5.)    Speaking of Frank Ocean, by far the saddest/most disappointed moment of my night was his performance. He chose Forest Gump, really? It’s an ok song but every other song on his album is better. There is simple no excuse why he didn’t sing Pink Matter, Thinkin Bout You, or Crack Rock over Forest Gump. In particular, Pink Matter because it is a simple song of very high quality. He could have won a lot of people over tonight and squandered the opportunity.

6.)    I understand that Kendrick Lamar’s album was released after the Grammy deadline, but why stonewall him for these awards? He could have at least performed a verse of one of his songs.

7.)    WHERE IS KANYE WEST!!!!!?????????


That’s all for this year. All in all, a great show, let’s hope next year’s Grammys can build on this.

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