Season Two
Adrian: For you being in love means you want to have sex with her [Grace]
Counselor: I’m just a cop, with teaching credentials and a psychology major.
Ricky: I was just feeling a little anxious about going to Amy’s so I thought you could pray for me.
Grace: Stop having sex with every guy I go out with.
Adrian: Stop going out with guys I’m having sex with.
…
Grace: You’re the B word
Adrian: Are you going to say a prayer you little bible-thumping two faced virgin?
Grace: Yeah, maybe I will. God please help Adrian cuz she’s a BITCH!
(fight ensues)
Adrian: are you laughing or crying?
Grace: I’m laughing.
…
Adrian: I am a bitch.
Grace’s Mom: Goodnight. Stay out of the pool. And……don’t have sex!!
Homosexual Married Guy: I’m dying to see where the sausage king lives
George: Maybe she [Amy] should have sex with Ben.
Grace: They [birth control pills] remind me that sex is mental and spiritual and……sweaty.
Ben (professing his love): I wanna be with you on your 16th birthday, and your 60th birthday. (but of course, no birthdays past that).
Anne: Amy, WOMAN UP!
Thomas (Ashley’s guy toy): I’m not in mental school baby, and I’m fascinated by your lips.
Grace: You can be my new virgin friend (to Adrian)
Ricky: I’m gonna have Amy, the baby, and your dad on my side before you can say “Pork Chop” (to Ben)
Anne: Gays are here, they’re queer, I’m good with it.
Grace: This is the slut’s condo but I’m just answering the door. (I’m NOT making that one up)
Blonde Bimbo: Well aren’t you just the princess of the Best of the Best Band Camp.
Ricky: (preposterous statement) I have a lot of friends.
Amy: Listen and listen good. Do not have sex. This is what it leads to.
Ashley: I don’t think anyone should see what’s going on in there (in a shaky voice) (Ben faints)
Ricky: I think the state should make me get a vasectomy
Ricky: I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend before and I don’t think that we’re friends now. (Read 4 quotes up).
Grace: Honestly I don’t know if I can wait that long (to have sex).
Season 3:
Henry: A woman can’t be smart and have big breasts?
Henry: Don’t you like Amy with bigger breasts?
Ben: I hate that you’ve noticed.
Ben: I wanna have sex
Amy: I JUST had a baby.
Grace: You make me so angry, I wanna SPIT!
Grace: I’m not a poster girl for virginity.
Ashley: My god, is that a hooker he’s with?
George: It’s like talking to a brick wall, hey that’s funny, you’re and architect and I’m talking to a brick wall.
Jack (after sex): And how do you feel emotionally? I hate to run out and leave you alone.
Grace: I love sex.
Mentally Handicapped Brother: That’s why Grace had sex, and that’s why dad is dead.
Random Student: That’s the thing about sex. Babies aren’t a thousand percent preventable.
Grace: I had sex and now Dad is dead. And, he had a horrible death because I had incredible sex. Just the way life works, and death. I did this. I did it. And if I hadn’t done it, if I hadn’t had sex, and if I hadn’t enjoyed having sex so much then Dad would still be alive, you know it Mom.
Ricky: Stop with the “let” there’s no “let” in a man’s language.
Amy: Oh, I get it, you’re trying to be the man
Ben: I am the man (preposterous statement)
Grace: We both got what we deserved. You had sex and you got pregnant. I had sex and I killed my father. I was punished more than you were though I guess cuz I knew better than you did….and I enjoyed it more than you enjoyed it.
Grace: I would have never had sex with you if you hadn’t been having sex with every other girl at school. I had to do it, I had to.
Jack (to Adrian): If you and I haven’t hooked up the first of the school year I wouldn’t have ended up pursuing every girl that wanted to have sex with me
Amy: I feel and look like Old Mother Hubbard.
Jack: You still care enough about me to marry me?
Grace: Of course I do.
Ricky: …Ben’s my friend.
Ashley: Just let the guy sew his wild oats.
Amy: I want my son to be citizen of the world.
George:…believe me, everyone in Italy riding a Vespa either just had sex or is about to have sex.
Grace: All I think about is sex and death, death and sex.
Amy: You really wanna leave me here for the summer when Ricky’s getting his own place? (to Ben)
Ben’s Dad: I know the whole “hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold” is a little cliché in all the movies now.
Ashley: It’s still dark out (it’s CLEARLY light outside).
George: Don’t come home pregnant today, no Amy repeats.
Ricky: I don’t know what I love more, working at the butcher shop, or having sex with you over the butcher shop.
Ben: They’re not gay, neither am I
Ricky: What makes you think Ben had sex?
Amy: Because he’s being all grown up and reasonable!
Anne: I like that building block weeine!
Ashley (to Anne): Yeah you’re pregnant, but you’re still beautiful.
Tom (mentally disabled): Get a housekeeper, I’m a man dammit!
Amy: I don’t just think you’re a slut Adrian, you are a slut, slut.
Football coach: Stupid football players, I don’t have any stupid football players.
Ben: She’s on crack, or something, raging hormones are like crack, or at least that’s what I understand.
Adrian: Everyone knows that if you get called a slut, the next step is to call the other person’s mother a slut.
Hormones: Well, I’m sorry that you’re a slut, a slut, and a slut.
Adrian: Well I’m not because being a slut is going to keep Ricky interested in me and not you.
Adrian: I am a really good person, I just hate Amy Jergens.
Weird guy (talking about Ashley): I don’t wanna go out with her, I just want to marry her and have children with her.
Ricky (to Adrian): I think I know a little bit more about women than you do.
Adrian: Grace, we ALL deeply regret you having sex.
George: YOU’RE 16 WITH A BABY OF YOUR OWN, YOU DON’T MAKE GOOD DECISIONS, WE’VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT!
Ricky: This is why I got sent on the errand from Hell, because you got the bigger room?
Amy: This is all your fault, you’re the one who gave her the garage so it’s your fault if she gets pregnant.
George:…What’s the matter with you, didn’t you see the favor he did for your sister?!
Adrian: We’re not that young! And we’ve been together over a year already!!!!!!!!
Grace: You mean my mom’s……gigalo, is downstairs? I don’t wanna meet him.
George: I learned everything I know about being a great dad from Leave It To Beaver, I just stepped it up a notch.
Ricky: What don’t you like about me?
George: Your thick gorgeous hair.
George: I’m not saying you should do anything but sometimes a woman wants to feel like she’s……hot. Ya know?
Ben: This is a very uncomfortable conversation.
George: Son, let me tell you something. When women don’t wanna have sex, they still want you to want to have sex. Make sense?
Grace: I think it’s my business if my mother’s having sex
Grace’s mom: Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?
Grace: Fine go ahead, have sex, but if you have sex, I’m gonna have sex.
Grace’s mom: You are too young to have sex.
Grace: Oh? I think you’re too old to have sex.
Grace: …you would have had sex with me yesterday if I had let you.
Jack: I’d have sex with you every day if you let me.
Grace: Well I’m not gonna let you.
Jack: Isn’t this just your period talking?
Grace: Shut up about my period ok, you don’t know anything about my period. You got that?
Jack: I got it.
Grace: Why are you smiling?
Jack: No reason. Maybe I should come back in about 5 days when you’re in a better mood.
Grace:You think you’re so clever, knowing all about girl stuff.
Jack: Hello? You thought you were so clever, knowing about guy stuff. Sports medicine, groin injuries. That’s a perverse choice in medicine for a woman if you ask me.
George: Ok girls get on either side of your mother and hold her hands, I’m going to have to deliver this baby (military music playing in the background).
Anne: George can you do this, can you really deliver the baby with one hand?
George: I can do this with both hands tied behind my back (he’s not a doctor of any sort).
Season 4
Grace: Do you have sex? Tell us about gay sex.
Reverend Stone: I remember when I was a lad, a few of my friends and I dropped acid and hit the beach.
Graces Mom: Here’s the thing honey. I know you have raging hormones. But if you REALLY have to have sex, and you JUST can’t go without it, why can’t you just masturbate?
Grace: Ugh, that’s a word that NOBODY wants to hear their mother say.
Adrian’s Dad (to Ricky): You’re a good dad.
Grace: Having sex ruined everything for us.
Jack: Not continuing to have sex ruined everything for us.
Ricky (to Adrian): Yeah that’s great, a sleepover. How about a sex-over?
Adrian: If we were having sex and you heard Amy’s car in the driveway would you jump up and run over there?
Ricky: No I’m not a complete jerk, I’d wait until I was finished.
Ashley: I don’t think it’s possible to have meaningful sex in high school, gay or straight.
Ben: I don’t know what the truth is, other than I want a sex life.
George: I waited 16 and a half years for you to be able to drive a car, and you went to get your license with your mother and not me? You get your first tampon from your mother, you get your first license from your dad, and I’m your dad.
Amy: Sure about that?
Adrian: You know, I bet you’re just weeks away from having sex with Amy.
Ben: No, that’s impossible.
Ricky (to Ben): You’re pathetic, you know that? If you wanna break up with Amy, break up with her. And you don’t wanna break up with Amy, so shut up about it.
Ricky: Adrian threw a rock through the window?
Butcher Shop Lady: A cell phone, as she shouted “chupacabra”
Ricky: What?
Butcher Shop Lady: It’s uh, Devil Dog, Goat Sucker, you been sucking goats?
Ricky: You slept with her boyfriend before I slept with her, I slept with her to get back at you for sleeping with her boyfriend.
Adrian: I slept with her boyfriend awhile back, and I slept with him to get back at you for sleeping with all those other girls,
Ricky: I slept with all those other girls to get back at you for sleeping with all those other guys.
Adrian: No you didn’t, you slept with all those other girls just because you could.
Ricky: You slept with all those other guys just because you could.
Adrian: That was BEFORE.
Ricky: Before or after, who cares.
Ricky: How have you tried to be nice to me?
Adrian: I had sex with you.
Ricky: Then you’re nice to everyone aren’t you?
Amy: Maria? What kind of a name is that?
Lauren: Italian.
Amy: So just break up with me. Break up with and run away with Miss……Spaghetti Maria Bologna.
Maria (to Ben): That is why I asked to come out here away from my parents, so my father can talk to your father and Betty about you, we want you to return with us to Bologna, where we can get engaged and have beautiful sex. And in a few years get married and own our own sausage factory!
George: Well we can’t resolve anything with you living in assisted care with Mimsy.
Anne: I like living in assisted care. I’m the youngest woman here, and there’s lots of assistants.
George: Why don’t you allow me to assist you, my lady?
Adrian: I, want to be Amy’s friend (preposterous statement).
Ben: You’re battin 0 for 2.
Jack: At least I’m battin:
Ben: Touche, I gotta get in the game.
Ben: They’re staging a revolution, they’re swearing off sex.
Henry: No no, not swearing off sex, swearing off sex with guys.
Jack: They’re lesbians now?
Amy: I don’t even know if I wanna have sex with me.
Ashley: Well why should you? No one else does.
Amy: I don’t do anything without thinking about it.
Ashley: Really? Have you met your son?
Ashley: Why do you want the condom?
Amy: Why do you have condoms?
Ashley: Better safe than you.
Ben: Amy? Amy who?
Alice: Yeah right.
Jack: You’re my girlfriend, I wanna be out with my girlfriend.
Grace: No Jack I am NOT your girlfriend.
Grace: You can’t just get married, because you’re in love with someone and you want to have sex with him.
George (to his infant son): That’s sarcasm, Ashley’s the queen of sarcasm, she got it from me, hopefully you’ll get it from me too, then you could be on our team.
Ashley: You know that’s something you should talk to a stranger about, teams. Do families usually divide into teams?
George: Sure they do, but it’s usually the parents against the children, in the good families.
Ashley: Where do you get this stuff?
George: Life. Experience. Life experience.
Adrian: There has to be a reason that that Jimmy didn’t call her.
Ashley: Probably, but that doesn’t mean we have to know that reason.
Ashley: I love you mom (preposterous statement)
Ricky: Are you upset with me for some reason?
George: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT!!!
Reuben: The prospect of playing poker with the two of us doesn’t appeal to you?
Ricky: No
Lauren: No offense, but if he didn’t call you because you’re a bad kisser, he’s probably not going to try and have sex with you, you think?
Henry: You are an IDIOT. Amy Jergens would never ever get pregnant again by you, or Ricky, or any other guy.
Ben: I think I had a breakthrough….
Ben: Now that I’ve said it out loud, it sounds so stupid, and ridiculous.
Ben’s dad: Oh boy, I can see you’re not gonna take my advice, so I’ll give you some more. Don’t just sleep on it, don’t do it.
Ashley: Oh god, is that why you kissed Ricky, you’re gonna have sex with him.
Anne: WHAT?
Ashley: It was only one condom and she obviously hasn’t used it.
Adrian: Ben’s parked in front of Amy’s. He’s just….sitting in his car.
Grace: Really ? By himself?
Adrian: Yep.
Adrian: It wasn’t wrong to have sex with Ben, in and of itself. It was just wrong that I did it, to get back at Amy and Ricky, and because it isn’t gonna get me what I wanted. It isn’t gonna get me anything at all.
Grace: Maybe if you didn’t have sex with every guy you know you’d like yourself a little better.
Alice: Have you ever been beaten up? Really, pummeled, to the ground?
Ben: Yes I have
Amy: And yet I had a condom because everyone has condoms.
Her New Boy Infatuation: I don’t. You know why? Because I wasn’t lying when I said I wasn’t having sex in high school.
Betty (Ben’s dad’s fiancé): Can you think of a 3- letter word for a guy that sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend, because I have B-E-N.
Ben: Do you know where my dad is?
Betty: Do you want to talk about it?
Ben: Do I wanna talk about a mistake I made with sex to a hooker?
Ben: I had sex with Adrian and now Ricky is gonna pummel me. And I hope he pummels me, because I deserve to get pummeled.
Jack: Just don’t do anything stupid alright?
Ben: I already did something stupid.
George: What did you and your shrink decide?
Anne: We decided that you’re not funny.
George: No, I know he thinks I’m funny. You know how? I am funny. Did he tell you I’m funny? Eh? You’re annoyed with him cuz he said I was funny didn’t he.
Anne: If you want this to work out, don’t ever pressure me about sex, funnyman.
Tom: I have an anger problem too. That’s how Jack got a groin injury.
George: You lied to me
Ashley: I didn’t lie, you just assumed he was gay.
George: You let me think he was gay.
Ashley: Dad please don’t be angry, you’d really like this guy.
George: I don’t like any guy who likes you.
Ashley:….Dad I’m fifteen and I’m going into tenth grade next year.
George: You’re 14?
Ashley: I just turned 15 Dad.
George: No?
Ashley: Yeah.
Grant: Hello Sir, I’m at fault for not speaking up when you thought I was gay.
George: You sure you’re not gay? Maybe you’re just in the closet. (Grant is standing in a closet in this scene).
Grant: I’m in A closet, not THE closet.
Ricky: I really wanted to kill someone so I just left.
Adrian: Please, I’m not heartbroken.
Reuben: When would having sex with Ben or any other guy be wrong?
Adrian: If the sex wasn’t fun.
Anne: You’re talking to teenagers, your research is flawed.
Lauren (she’s African American): And what do I care if you’re white? I didn’t even notice that you’re white.
Grace: I’m crying cuz I have no friends, no boyfriend, no father, I have a mother, but, she’s getting married…
Grace: I stupidly tried to get Jack interested in me again, but he’s not so now I hate myself.
Ben: If only you could have invited me in, had a slice of pizza and we could have talked.
Amy: What you really mean, is if only I hadn’t gotten pregnant by Ricky and had his baby.
Betty: …and then, he would say “Oh yeah? Well I’m not that kinda guy. Why dontcha get away from me you, ya dirty bird.”
Ashley: I don’t want Adrian to win.
Ricky: If you hit me then I might hit you back. And if I hit you back I might just keep hitting you until you get really hurt. It hurts to get hit, it’s not like in the movies, it actually hurts.
Ben: Fine………..don’t hit me.
Ricky: No one’s hitting anyone, you got that?
Ben: No I really don’t “got that”
Ricky: Don’t ever hit a guy who’s just told you he’s been hit all his life, ok?
Ben: Well, I guess I could come with you.
Ricky: Can you come with me? You just punched me.
Ben: I’m never gonna have sex with Adrian again.
Ricky: alright.
Ben: And….you’re never gonna….have sex with..
Ricky: I’m gonna have sex with whoever I want to have sex with.
Adrian: Your mom knows you’re getting married? Getting married for the 4th time?
Reuben: I’m getting married to the right woman for the first time.
Anne: I don’t think I’m ready for Ashley to have a boyfriend.
George: Yeah me neither. What about you? Ready to have a husband?
George: No wonder this man’s a success. He’s not just the Sausage King. He should be the Sausage Czar. That’s a damn fine piece of meat.
Anne:…I suggest that we stay out of it.
George: I wish you suggested that earlier before I before I dropped by Ricky’s this morning.
Anne: Well maybe I would have suggested it earlier if I would have known that’s where you were going this morning.
George: If we were married, I’d have to tell you where I’m going, but we’re not married, so, there ya go.
George: I see….so your refusal to get in the middle of things, seems to have landed you in the middle of things.
Ben: …or we could go somewhere you’ve been and I haven’t and you could show me around.
Grace: Have you ever seen my bedroom?
Ben: (nervous laugh), that’s funny, uh, No, I haven’t seen your bedroom.
Grace: Well would you like to? No one’s home (sly smile on her face)
Ben: Maybe you could give me a tour of the house, I haven’t really seen the house.
Grace: Ok!!! We’ll start with my bedroom.
Ricky: Those are my friends too, at least Ben is and Grace, and Jack’s ok too.
Madison: Lauren said it’s illegal for me to offer you oral sex in exchange for your testimony
Jack: Even so I’m sure it happens all the time.
Amy: I wouldn’t have stood up if I had known Ricky would get John for his birthday.
George: Just because you and Grant have all the working parts doesn’t mean the parts should be working….together…they shouldn’t. It’s fine if they work on their own but not together.
Grace: Jack I swear, if you say anything to anyone about anything, I will make sure you never have children.
Jack: You and Tom both tried that, evidentially I’m a man of steel.
Grace: Oh please.
Ashley: What are you a girl now?
Ricky: Yeah, yeah I guess I am.
Madison: Did you get the condoms?
Jack: Yes
Madison: Can I see one?
Madison: I’m not gonna tell anyone I promise (preposterous statement)
Alice: I wanna have a wedding like this.
Henry: Anytime soon?
Alice: 10th grade’s a little early.
George: Where’s your husband?
Grace’s Mom: Oh he’s delivering a baby (he’s a doctor), emergency.
George. I did that……one handed.
Season 4
Doctor: Considering your family’s history Ashley, I would encourage birth control of some sort.
Grace: He has road rage when he’s not even driving.
Jack: Yeah, sure, I have plenty of friends (preposterous statement).
Ricky: Can we change the subject you’re too young to talk about this.
Ashley: I’m the same age as Amy when you met her at band camp.
Ashley: I’m the same age as Amy when you met her at band camp.
Ricky: Want some advice?
Ashley: No
Ricky: Well I’m gonna give it to you anyway.
Madison’s Dad: What kind of idiot parents, would let a kid stay with another family for a year?
Madison:It’s my room.
Madison’s Dad: You thought that he’d live in your room!?
Madison: Well it’s better than doing drugs.
Madison’s Dad: That’s your argument!!? That your boyfriend should live in your room because it’s better than doing drugs!!!?
Ashley: You knew?
Amy: I’m not an idiot.
Ashley: Yes you are!
Anne: …because we have to start talking, and keep talking, or else this family just is gonna fall apart.
Ashley: Didn’t it already fall apart?
George: I thought it was on the mend?
George (to Amy): Your shirt’s too low and your skirt’s too high. Try again.
Grace’s Mom: How’d it go with Grace?
Grace’s New Hubby: Do you want her to hate me?
Jack: I’m not a kid, I’m a responsible guy.
Grace: Just because your stupid husband is a doctor and a gynecologist, doesn’t mean he knows everything about pregnancy. He doesn’t know anything about Adrian. Or her womb.
Ricky: I’m your friend Ben, listen to me.
George: How’d you get home.
Ashley: I walked.
George: Your mother asked you how school was.
Ashley: Uh, awesome. I learned so much I feel like my head’s going to explode.
Anne: Yeah, I saw her over at Adrian’s. But did you also know that her and Adrian didn’t go to school today?
Ashley: What? We didn’t go to school!?
George: What the hell are you doing? Trying to be a cool mom now?
Anne: I’m trying to be a better mom.
George: Well it doesn’t sound like you’re being a mom at all!
George: Well it doesn’t sound like you’re being a mom at all!
Ben: …and I’ll always love you, no matter what.
Amy: Wait, wha, what does that mean? Why are you saying that?
George’s Dad: There’s nothing you can do, that can’t be fixed somehow someway. (As Ben is about to let the pregnancy out of the box).
Ashley: You need to get a hobby, or go back to having stupid indiscriminate sex again.
George: Yeah yeah let’s send her off to band camp in New York where there’ll be millions of Rickys, maybe she’ll have another baby!
Anne: She’s on the pill remember?
Grace’s Stepdad: Can I make a suggestion? Why don’t you just focus on you and your life.
Grace: I don’t know what you mean.
Grace’s Stepdad: You know what Grace I’m not sure you do know what I mean.
George: Do you really want to play the French horn that badly? Isn’t that what got you into trouble in the first place?
Amy: Thank you thank you so much! I LOVE you!
Ricky: What?
Amy: Like a brother, you know, like the father-of-my-baby-that-i-don’t-want-to-be-with.
Adrian: I did everything I was supposed to do and I still got pregnant.
